So, this happend…
Life is choice. All day, everyday. Who we talk to, where we sit, what we say, how we say it. And our lives become defined by our choices. It's as simple and as complex as that. And as powerful. So, when I'm observing that's what I'm watching for. The choices people make.
-Louise Penny
Flashback to Fall of 2004. A man named Doug Vagle was telling bad dad jokes to a group of rowdy teenagers in a basement. Unamused, I scanned the room.
As I looked over my shoulder my entire world changed. She was right there. The girl on the floor in the back of the room.
Dressed in a dark sweatshirt, bell bottom jeans and converse. It was like staring at a dream as she peered right back from between her long legs. Hood pulled up over her head and long hair pouring out from the hole where her face would be, she hid out of fear.
I could tell that she wanted to be seen. As the girls surrounding her laughed and bounced around, she longed for the connection but was done pretending in order to get it.
When life is full of pretenders it is easy to become one but you learn to hate the taste.
About one year later, after teen Sam went through some serious teen identity issues, fifteen year old Kate joined my seventeen year old self in sitting down on a bench at Valley Fair. We ate caramel apples together until the park closed and, even though neither of us had the courage to mutter it out loud, we knew that our lives had changed.
Fast forward to 2022. Kate and I have been married for just over one year now! It turns out, two things happened that day. Not only did we fall in love, but we ended up becoming best friends.
After that, I decided to be a man and fix something that wasn’t broken. In order to protect my best friend from myself… I broke her heart.
Not once… Not twice… I am not even going to say how many times. While there was a logic in there somewhere, it was never a good, healthy or informed one. Needless to say, the lesson has been learned. Sam doesn’t leave Kate.
Something that I have pulled out of this lesson, while it may sound simple, has been one of the most difficult things to implement into our marriage. Here it is…
“Kate is my favorite…”
Mind blowing, I know. Basic as that may sound, that is the root beneath my “intentional positivity” mindset and it is why I thank God every day for giving me yet another opportunity at a marriage with my favorite person.
As time passes, relationships will either grow or wither away. The best way to ensure that the relationships we invest our time into, especially our marriages, are investments well made is with intentionality.
We live in a culture that feeds on reactions that are driven by the assumption that people won’t make intentional choices because they are lazy and easily manipulated.
It is up to us to choose positive decisions with the intention of creating joyful experience that help ourselves and others in stepping towards a love centered purpose in life.
Intentionality is the secret sauce. To some readers, this might sound “anti-feels”. There is nothing wrong with learning from and processing our feelings or letting ourselves embrace the experiences that life brings on.
However, if you are seeking a foundation that won’t leave you wishing that you were dead, a solid start is to examine what areas of your life you have intentionally chosen and what areas of your life have come about due to the reaction of feelings. Beyond that, ask yourself which of those areas have you let define your life.
This was it for me. We go our entire lives hearing people say things like “Do unto others…” or “The choices we make define who we are.”
But nobody every took the time to sit down with many of us and explain what would happen if we just stopped choosing.
And then, when voices were raised and homes were untwined. When we blocked it all out because the role models we were watching were so lost that it became less confusing to make up our own stories inside. When we ignored the choices at hand, hid inside or acted out.
Not because we were lazy or mean but because we were children being presented with choices that children won’t process.
“Your mom or your dad? You choose.” “Sex or no sex? You choose.” “Drugs or no drugs? You choose.” “Your education or your brothers education? You choose.” “Keep the baby or put them up for adoption? You choose.” “Stay home or run away? You choose.” “Kill yourself or stay alive? You choose.”
This isn’t aimed at parents. Not my parents or my wife’s parents. I am not a parent and I have no intention of judging parents for being parents… even if I do become one. If anything, I hope to encourage today’s parents!
As the son of many parents, I would encourage people to do what they can to take on the choice of parenthood intentionally and never be afraid to ask for help.
This life is full of choices. Rather than moving through our choices one reaction to the next, being intentional with our decision making can lead to a massive positive change in our lives. Setting ourselves and those around us up to achieve goals and celebrate success is never a loss.
Amongst the chaos of a feelings and reactions driven world, I chose Kate because she continually brings the capacity of who I am to another level and drives me to do the same for her and for others. She is a constant reminder that who we are facilitates far beyond the boundaries of what we have already experienced. She is beautiful and strong and everything that God has my heart set on.
That is why I continually choose her. That is why she is my favorite.